I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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