If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
