he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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