i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
