i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
