I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize