guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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