I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
from now on my penis is your penis
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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