I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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