I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
