i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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