nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
