My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
