he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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