goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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