I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
