Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I smell stomach acid.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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