as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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