When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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