Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize