The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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