Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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