just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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