new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
