Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
