I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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