I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
