Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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