Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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