I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
