"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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