my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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