i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
