We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i need some magic done to my vagina
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
