So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
