So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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