If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
