Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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