Please, let me fuck your mom
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
