new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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