we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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