I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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