last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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