I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I would ride that face into the sunset
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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