tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
