no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
