genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
