apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
