I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
