Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
