every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
