I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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