totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
