I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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