How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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