He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize