You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
