Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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