I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize