very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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