I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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