I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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