I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
