My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
