btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
